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The last two weeks have not been great for me.
I'd been doing really, really well, coming off an SSRI medication and coping great with the withdrawal side effects. I'd had a COVID cautious friend over for a weekend, which was amazing. And then I accidentally hit my shoulder on a really sharp corner of a kitchen cabinet. The skin wasn't broken, but the bruise is still there over two weeks later.
A couple of days after that extremely minor injury, I had one of the worst and most long lasting pain flares I've had in a very, very long time. And of course, it had knock on effects on my energy levels and on my mood. It got so bad, I thought about going back onto a different SSRI, which I've been trying to avoid. I've been on SSRIs for nearly 20 years. I really want to know what it's like, living in this body and this mind and this heart without them. I want to have that understanding in the present so I can make clear decisions about my healthcare for this phase of my life and into the future.
Carrying the weight of the world
I had a bit of a meltdown a weel ago to my partner, and she was really, really kind and gentle and supportive. Through talking with her I realised that it wasn't just my own physical pain that was affecting me, it was all of the world's pain on top of that.
It's the fact that we're still in a pandemic, with serious health effects on individuals and communities, but no individuals, except for some chronically ill people and a few activists, seem to care anymore, and governments at all levels have washed their hands of their responsibilities for public health.
It's the fact that the ongoing slaughter of the people of Gaza, adults, young people, children and infants, has been going on for a year, and the injustices in the Middle East has been going on for way longer than that (and not just in Israel/Palestine).
It's the fact that there are at least two other genocides going on right now, in Sudan and Congo, as well as who knows where else that we never get to hear about.
It's the fact that it looks like we've sailed past the opportunty to limit global warming to 1.5C, and we're looking at 3 to 4 degrees of increase by the end of this century, while ChatGPT and other 'AI' keeps gobbling up energy (and water).
And I realized that, because of the increase of pain in my body, and the lowering of my energy and my mood, my boundaries around what I feel responsible for had just collapsed. My focus and my attention was gripped and held by these situations in which I have extremely little power to effect any kind of change, but which I felt responsible for nonetheless.
Leaning into gentleness
Recognising that, I made the decision to be really, really gentle with myself, and lean in to the resources that I do have, and the steps that I can take to take care of myself: in this case, my background in the personal use of herbs and the professional use of essential oils.
Please note: This is not advice for anyone else to use herbal medicine, nor will I be stating which herbs I'm using. I'm just giving this as an example of how we often have resources that we don't realize we have, or that we've forgotten about in amongst all the stramash of our symptoms and the world.
So last Tuesday evening, I did some updating of my knowledge about herbs for depression and for pain relief. And last Wednesday, instead of yet another day of taking paracetamol four times a day, I made myself an essential oil mix which I applied to my body in the morning and at bedtime, and herbal teas which I drank throughout the day, both of which calmed me, and were an enormous help to my ability to cope.
I think the effectiveness of this approach is for a number of reasons, above and beyond the inherent efficacy of the herbs and the oils themselves:
First of all, and I think the most significant, is that it alleviated my feelings of powerlessness.
It is inescapably true that I have no power over other people's decisions around whether or not to be vaccinated, whether or not to wear well-fitted, effective masks, or whether to prioritize clean air inside the indoor spaces that they are responsible for.
I have no power over government decisions about public health policy and practice, or laws on the legality of personal health protections like respirator masks.
I have no power over what is happening in any part of the world where violence, at both state and community levels, is such a significant, everyday part of ordinary people's lives.
I have no power over climate change, global carbon emissions, or the 'AI' industry.
But I do have power over what parts of my knowledge I choose to put into practice, over what I choose to use to alleviate my symptoms, and over how I decide to care for myself and meet my needs.
Secondly, it helped me to feel less alone.
It feels so much more collaborative and connecting to me to come back to working with plants in this way. Even though mass produced medications rely on our interconnectedness just as much as herbal ones do, my felt sense of using herbs is of working with vibrantly alive allies, of honouring my connection with the earth, with creation, with the power that lives in and connects all beings.
And finally, it was a series of small and calm acts.
As an introvert, it's just really lovely to do something for my health and wellbeing that is so domestic and cosy. I'm really relishing this moment of drawing my energy back into myself, away from things that I have absolutely no power to change, and being so much more centred in how I'm using my energy, and in how I'm taking care of my really basic needs in this body.
How about you?
What are some of the ways you're reconnecting with your agency, and returning your focus to things that you do have power to change?
How are you taking care of yourself and getting your needs met through these overwhelming times?
I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Comment below, or drop me an email.
I hope you are taking exquisite care of yourself.
Sending you much love.
In solidarity, always.
Elinor
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